No One Could Know

Actor Robin Williams mezmerized me the moment I saw him on “Mork and Mindy.” Other girls in my junior high school had crushes on the Dukes of Hazzard hunks, or Leif Garrett, but for me, that crazy alien from Ork was who I imagined hanging out with for great weekend fun. His death by suicide this week has stunned the world. How can someone who brings such joy to others possibly be depressed?

I know to a small degree how he must have felt. In my darkest hour of life, while suicidal, I was voted Class Clown out of 500 students. Many times our laughter is merely masking our pain. While laughter is a step in the right direction, it’s not always the magic potion to chase away the misery.

I’d like to share an excerpt from my book, “No One Could Know” with you:

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I looked at the clock on the dashboard and dreaded having to go back to school where I would have to act like the most monolithic event in my life had never happened. I leaned my head against the foggy car window and cleared a spot to see that white boundary line that separated the highway lane from the shoulder of the road.

Several more miles clicked by. I slowly unlocked the door and put my hand back in my lap. I looked out again—the boundary was still there, guiding our way. I put my hand on the chrome-plated door handle and wondered how far over the line I could jump. I contemplated how to manipulate my footing so I could propel my body far enough away from the car to clear the back tire. How close could I roll to the edge of the cliff at sixty miles per hour? Would I die if I jumped? Was I going to let my aversion to pain stop me from jumping out of the car? I was already in pain and didn’t like the idea of any more. If I jumped, I wanted to make sure I’d be dead. No hospital time for me—just straight to the morgue. I wanted nothing more to do with doctors or nurses.

The hypnotic motion and hum of the road kept rhythm with the static songs on the radio. I looked at my right hand back on the lever, then leaned my head onto my left hand and twirled my hair.

If I did jump, Brock could just keep driving and say he didn’t see a thing. I don’t think he saw my hand on the handle. He couldn’t possibly know that I was considering taking a leap out of his vehicle.

I could not imagine what it would feel like to hit the pavement or to get whipped by the brush on the side of the road before my body came to a stop, but what a temptation it was! If only I could just be gone in the blink of an eye and wake up in heaven with the baby I’d left in pieces back at the clinic. I didn’t want to land in the hospital with a failed attempt of suicide—that would be terrible. I didn’t necessarily want to die right then. I just didn’t want to have my life as I knew it.

Later, I found myself thinking about suicide a lot, and considered every possible option to carry it off. I even made a few private attempts but never told anyone about what was happening in my mind.

I kept thinking of what life would be like for my family if I would kill myself. Who would find my body, and what would it do to his or her emotional state of well-being? I could not bear the thought of leaving a mess of my dead body for anyone to clean up—nor of my family having to plan, pay for, and go through a funeral.

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Have you been suicidal for any reason? If so, put down the weapon – you are not alone – and suicide is not the right way out. Replace suicidal thoughts by putting God’s Word into your eyes and ears. The following verses from the Bible are a good place to begin:

• “For You [God] formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.” Psalm 139:13–16 (NKJV)
• “If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.” Psalm 34:18 (The Message)
• “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” Psalm 34:18 (NLT)
• “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3 (NKJV)
• “Give all your cares to the Lord and He will give you strength.” Psalm 55:22 (NLV)
• “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11 (NKJV)
• “Surely, there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off.” Proverbs 23:18 (NAS)

I can’t stress enough the importance of getting help. You don’t have to fight this battle alone. The telephone number for the National Suicide Hotline (and Veteran’s Crisis Line) is 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Or you can visit their Web site: suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

Suicide is never the right answer. No matter how big of a mess we make of our lives, God Almighty is in the cleanup business, and He is good at it. I know. You can trust Him to help you with whatever mess may seem “immovable” under the rugs of your life. He delights in making your mountains become smooth highways, causing beauty to come from ashes, and turning your mourning into dancing. Trust Him to turn your life around. If you need to talk, leave me a message right here. I don’t claim to have all the answers, but I know who does. If you don’t know Jesus, I’d love to introduce Him to you – He is the Prince of Peace.