No One Could Know

Have you ever felt guilty? Have you ever experienced self-loathing because of something you’ve done or said? Throughout most of our lives, we’ve felt that twinge of regret, or have wallowed in the “wouldda-couldda-shoulddas.”

But for some of us, when we realized the depth and breadth of our actions, our emotions consumed us to such a degree that suicide seemed like the only “reasonable” way out. After all, we believed, we were deserving of death. Hope of a better life was nowhere to be found.

The following is an edited excerpt from my book, “No One Could Know,” that details a segment from my journey to find air to breathe again:

Being forgiven of a heinous act is indescribable. Understanding that God could love me no matter what I’d done started to make sense the more time I spent getting to know Him. I kept listening intently in Bible school and taking an overabundance of notes … and finally allowed myself to receive His unfathomable pardon for my crime. My debt had been paid through the work that Christ did on the cross. How could I not forgive those who had hurt me, when God was forgiving me of so much worse?

The Bible verse John 3:16 made perfect sense to me now—“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life” (King James Version). But oh how the next verse shined the light in to the corners of my heart! “For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved” (King James Version)

I’d pushed God into my back pocket. My light was hidden under a bushel of scandalous cover-up, and the disgrace I felt was nonstop. The church people may as well have known that I’d gotten pregnant! What shame would the others have felt if I’d let the baby live and had given it up for adoption—or had kept him or her to raise on my own? Would their dishonor compare to what I was experiencing? Would I have felt as much shame if I’d gone through high school pregnant? Did the congregation members firmly believe the sermons and the lyrics to their hymns? We so proudly lifted our voices to the cross above the baptismal and stained glass with words like this:

“There is a fountain filled with blood drawn from Emmanuel’s veins; 

And sinners plunged beneath that flood lose all their guilty stains. 

Lose all their guilty stains, lose all their guilty stains; 

And sinners plunged beneath that flood lose all their guilty stains.” [1] 

Did those words not apply to me and my boyfriend? Or had we insulted God so deeply that our sin could never be forgiven? 

I’m so grateful that God gave us a Bible to show us how He feels about things like condemnation: “Now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.” (Romans 8:1-2 New Living Translation)

My Father in heaven was not condemning me! The condemnation was from the perceived judgment that may have or may not have come from those in church! We never even asked Brock’s parents what they would think—I wonder now what their reaction would have been. Would I have been locked away in the bell tower of the church with the bats? Would I have been excommunicated? Would anyone have tried to send me away to live in another country?

Why do we torture our own souls with endless questions and perceptions as if they were facts? Thankfully, God’s love surpasses all our foolishness; and at the end of the day, He is still waiting right in front of us with outstretched arms and open hands.

Our area is covered in fresh snow today, and I’m reminded of His outstretched arms of forgiveness once again. As I press into 2015, new goals are set to walk deeper with Him, and I pray that you find wholeness and freedom in Him, the author and the finisher of our faith.

“Come now, and let us reason together,” Says the Lord, “Though your sins are like scarlet, They shall be as white as snow; Though they are red like crimson, They shall be as wool.” — Isaiah 1:18